Divorce Coach’s Guide to (a divorcée's wishes) BEFORE Saying “I Don’t”
Every marriage has its ups and downs. Family pressure, financial concerns, and job stress can make anyone irritable. In the heat of the moment, we can say things we may not mean. But keep in mind, once you say this deadly “D” word, you can never take it back.
Before even suggesting the word “Divorce”, ask yourself this question “Have I done whatever it takes in my power to fight for this marriage, for this family and for the person I once vowed ‘Till Death Do Us Part’.
If the answer is no, before making any decision, I invite you to consider these tips and look inside yourself. Take as much time as you need and think, not just with your head, but with your heart. I hope it will give you some clarity you seek. Here are some of the simple yet powerful tips I have the privilege to witness in helping many save their marriages over time.
And in case you wonder why I keep preaching how these tips are so effective, yet why I’m still divorced. Simply put, I, unfortunately, was stupid and blinded before saying “I Don’t”. And it is too late, now.
If these simple wisdoms could save at least one more marriage, I’ll consider my million-dollar divorce lesson well spent. That's my wish comes true
#1 Stop taking your spouse for granted
In many marriages and relationships, the initial romantic spark can eventually fade and evolve into a marriage of convenience and companionship. So it’s easy for us to become a bit complacent, not doing the things that help reinforce love. Perhaps the person you want to appreciate and adore you might be the same person you’ve taken for granted. You want your spouse to appreciate you, compliment you, love you, adore you and lust for you. And you wonder why in the world he is not doing all these things. Whoa, what a lazy bum! Right?
But before jumping to judgment, have you asked yourself the exact same question? Have you been doing all these things for him/her lately? Change has to start somewhere and why not start with you?
#2 Be Communicative
Your spouse is not a psychic so don’t expect him/her to read your mind.
If you feel the relationship becomes stagnant, voice that concern and work together to find workable solutions. Open and honest communication is key to any successful marriage. But if you feel like you can’t do that, maybe there’s something much deeper that is hindering your marriage and could be worth exploring through therapy. But before you do so, don’t just assume the worst.
Have courage and tell your truth. Sometimes a great progress takes just that.
#3 Be Appreciative
We often expect our partners to be nice to us, yet we don't always show the gratitude and give thanks. It’s important to understand that the more grateful we are for a loving act, the more likely they will reciprocate. So if you want to receive greater generosity and appreciation from your spouse, say “Thank you” to him/her more and give more.
To love is to give. Treat him/her FIRST, how you want to be treated and watch changes happen. This could be a start of something incredibly beautiful.
#4 Be Kind
Have you ever noticed how some couples treat each other well and are always happy all the time? And we wonder what kind of crack they’ve been smoking!?(lol). Well, these people are wise actually. They know about the “Kindness Loop”.
Kindness Loop is like a game and involves one partner being kind to the other. Then the other is likely to return the favor. And they both are happy. When their happiness level increases, they tend to argue less. And as long as they continue playing this practice, they feel loved and loving.
I know it sounds super simple. But, you have to make a conscious decision to develop the loop. If your spouse is kind or helpful, be appreciative, and act kindly too. But if s/he is not as appreciative at first, don't be discouraged. This thing takes time; some people are a little slow to get on the train. Be patient. Be Kind. And be consistent. Your mindset will eventually change and you'll want to be generous more and more because it releases all the feel-good hormones like oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. Happiness is infectious, so eventually your spouse will start to catch up in a matter of time.
But if you’ve already tried all these tactics, but still feel divorce could be the right option, go to mycoachpav.com for more information. Take my free assessment and see whether divorce coaching is right for you.